Χειμωνιάτικες Αγάπες

 Ξύπνησα σήμερα το πρωί με τον ήχο από τις σταγόνες της βροχής να πέφτουν στο παράθυρο μου και ήταν σαν μουσική στα αφτιά μου..Ο ήλιος χάθηκε σήμερα αλλά δεν με πειράζει έτσι και αλλιώς ο μουντός καιρός ταιριάζει στην ψυχολογία μου. Το τηλέφωνο κτυπάει μανιωδώς αλλά δεν έχω όρεξη να μιλήσω σε κανέναν θέλω λίγο πριν ξεκινήσει η μέρα μου να ηρεμήσω και να συγκεντρώσω τις σκέψεις μου που για μια ακόμα φορά με οδηγούν σε εσένα. Τι σημασία έχει που έχουν περάσει χρόνια? Για έμενα η αγάπη είναι πάντα σαν ένα μωρό που δεν μεγαλώνει  έχει ανάγκες και σου δημιουργεί συνεχεία ένα άγχος. Τα έκανα όλα σωστά? Ίσως ποτέ δεν μπορείς να τα κάνεις όλα σωστά στην αγάπη, το μόνο που μπορείς να κάνεις είναι να ελπίζεις ότι αυτά που δίνεις είναι αρκετά.  Που να είσαι άραγε? Τι να κάνεις? Σε σκέφτομαι συχνά, όχι γιατί θέλω την αγκαλιά σου ή τα χάδια σου αλλά γιατί θέλω να ξέρω ότι είσαι καλά. Ότι αγαπάς και αγαπιέσαι και που και που με σκέφτεσαι και εσύ. Έτσι είναι η πραγματική αγάπη νομίζω. Δεν είναι η σωματική επαφή που σε νοιάζει τόσο αλλά να είναι καλά εκείνος/εκείνη που αγαπάς. Άμα αυτό που νιώθεις είναι από την μοίρα ευλογημένο θα ξαναδείς εκείνον/εκείνη που φωλιάζει στην κάρδια σου και θα μιλήσετε σαν δυο παλαιοί και αγαπημένοι εραστές.

Perfecct strangers.(Part two)

This time we met at the church right outside on the steps. He was smoking a cigarette while looking at the sky and smiling. “I was waiting for you, he said. I knew sooner or later you will come here. You always do when you are confused.” My expression of terror must have been easy to see because his face suddenly  turned very serious and he started to approach me more carefully, he came very close, so close I thought he was going to attack me but then he did something I didn’t expect. He hugged me and I let him.

“You my little chick, you are my soul mate.” He whispered to my ear and his lips touched my cheek. “Don’t be afraid my little one I will do you no harm, I just want to get to know you. You and I belong together, in time you will see that.” A little chuckle followed his sentence. “That scared you to death, didn’t it? Don’t worry I am not going to force you into anything, in time you will see for yourself that you and I are one in body and mind. For now I have to go but we shall talk again soon…” Then he kissed me again but this time he put his perfected shaped lips on mine. His breath smelled of summer flowers.  His eyes were closed and he had this little wrinkle between his eyebrows that it seemed to me like an expression of deep pleasure.

 He was enjoying this. He liked to scare me with his words and then soften me up with his actions. Was I mad to want him? A man that speaks like that to a woman he barely knows…It’s a sign of madness and it screams walk away now, hide away from him. Of course I didn’t I waited for him to appear out of the sudden everyday for months but he didn’t. I began to think he had forgotten about me and then once again out of the sudden he was there outside my house next to the big tree watching from my window. I was not scared neither did I feel threaten I just wanted him to come inside my house and hold me like he did the last time...(To be continued..)

I was listening to my favourite songs and i thought i make a little story by putting some of the lyrics or titles in the plot!!enjoy!!

Perfect strangers.

 I wish I knew what you were looking for but I know what you will find...The note was left on my pillow, the bed stripped of its covers and the mattress was covered with black rose petals. He had come for me like he said he would. I run to the porch I had to get out of the bedroom, out in the open I needed the calmness of the dark. The killing moon shining above my head, how did he know where I am? I couldn’t believe he found me again! But then again he is a strange creature with an obsession… I entered the house and decided to leave it as it was…I returned to the bedroom and i slowly sat on the bed caressing the petals with my fingers, his smell was still here. His smell  makes my body ache with anticipation for his touch for one more night with him... No I will not think like that i tell myself  but our minds don't always do as they were told and thoughts of our last encounter came flooding in...He hugged me and whispered in my ear “Love will tear us apart…” and just like that he left me all alone there to ponder on his words…

 I first saw him on a rainy winter day while I was walking my dog in one of the secluded beaches near my house that no one ever goes. He was just sitting there in the rain watching the waves.  He looked ominous, mysterious and for a reason I cannot explain to this day I was attracted to him. He turned around and looked at me with piercing black eyes; I felt like he was reading my mind and then out of the sudden he ran away into the rain.  The second time I saw him was at the local cemetery visiting a long gone relative. He was a few graves behind me with a bunch of purple flowers in his hands; he was whispering something to the cold marble cross in front of him but I was too far away to listen to what he was saying. Out of the sudden he lifted his head and saw me. His eyes were amazingly intense and they were glued to mine, he could read my mind I was sure. He could see through me so easily and I felt paralyzed. Then he started walking towards me and all I could do was stand still. He stood in front of me and said in a voice so angelic but also deep like the devil’s whisper “I have seen you around my pretty… your name?” and that was it, I was hooked to this perfect stranger. “My name is Marilyn and I have seen you around too” I replied trying to sound calm. “Oh Marilyn my bitterness…I shall see you around again, maybe sooner than we both think…” He said with a perfect British accent which strangely enough I didn’t recognize from the beginning. “Bye Bye” He whispered and walked away…

   At night I used to dream of his face, those perfect almond shaped eyes and his lips..Those lips were torturing me! The dream was always the same. I’m lost in a forest running to escape from someone or something that wanted to harm me and then suddenly I would hear his voice “follow my eyes into the darkness...”  But I was running towards nothing again and again and again…then I would wake up sweating and screaming. He was right though our next meeting was sooner than I expected. This time we met at the church..(To be continued…)

Tangarines Vs Depressive Saturday night mood.

 Tangarines what is wrong with you? Why are you so good? I feel like i am addicted to crack!! I am positive pretty soon i'll find myself standing in a corner at some dark alley begging for some money to buy me some tangarines! God i feel tired this days, not psycally but emotionally it seems as if i have been on this planet about a 100 years and it's getting me down. i wish for a change a good change but in this hellhole i call my country nothing good is ever going to happen. Sometimes i whisper "I hate my life.." and then i feel guilty. Guilty because they are people out there that would give everything to have what i have, my health, my parents, my whole life...People with nothing but misery and pain in their lifes but even so i still feel like my life sucks. I have no love, no job and sometimes i think not a single friend in the world. When i grow up and become an old lady will i be all alone? With no friends and no family? I worry about that, about the future. I don't want to die alone only to be discovered 3-4 weeks later because of the smell..Ah well its Saturday and i'm being ubber depressing, i should go and continue my cooking..
Yours truthfully,
xxx.

 I am watching Philadelphia, one of the best films i've even seen. God did i cry watching that film..AMAZING! I came to thinking about humans and what do they worth after all? I mean we are gay, we are black, we are paralyzed, we are mentally ill..does that change someone's worth? Is the amount of things and services each one of us can contribute to the society that makes us worthy to the eyes of other people? I've never seen myself as more worthy than those that are a minority or have a disability but society does not so much for the colour of skin (at least not nowdays) or if you are disable (you get benefits or at least some do)but mentally ill?? That's a taboo!! Who will hire a schizo?? Or a person suffering from manic depression?Probably noone..But you hide it! You do so you will get a job or so that people don't look at you funny..Pff anyway im tired and my favourite film is on..
 Yours truthfully,
xxx.